As my hair and beard turned gray and many body parts started hurting for no apparent reason, I became that grumpy man of centuries-old memes. I wasn’t there when God made dirt, but there are days when it feels like it. So, please don’t ask me for the formula.
I have the urge to yell at kids to stay off my lawn. This impulse remains unfulfilled since I live in the country and don’t have young people traveling in front of my yard. I want to start a business where grumpy men from the country can sit in the yard of a young homeowner. Do you have a problem with elementary using your lawn as a shortcut to get home? Do junior high students decide your perfectly manicured lawn is the best place for a ball game?
You need a grump man to guard your property against the improper use by miscreant kids of the neighbors. The gray-haired retirees will ensure your lawn remains kid-free by years of pain and lost youth piercing their souls. We will expertly growl, “Get off the lawn” or “Don’t step on the grass,” with disdain and misery that only a grumpy old man can provide. Junkyard German Shepherds have nothing on a grumpy man's sheer determination to keep a lawn immaculate.
What is the cost of keeping your yard free of tiny feet disturbing the flow of the grass? Supply the grumpy man with a sandwich and beverage of choice. That’s correct, people. You can have a footprint-free lawn for a ham-on-rye sandwich and a cold beer. But wait, there is more. Throw in a slice of pie or cake with coffee or tea; the grumpy man will stay the whole evening, keeping your front yard pristine.
We are easily found wandering around home improvement stores, looking at potential projects we could accomplish if our backs didn’t hurt. You might see us at a Church social grumbling with other old men about it being too cold or warm. You might even have a relative who is a grumpy man. Invite him to your house, sit him on your porch, and mention that you don’t like kids walking on your grass. You won’t have to say, “Sic them!” The grumpiness will manifest, and he will guard your lawn with an eagle eye.
When your neighbors complain, and you want to stop a grumpy man's services, serve him a cucumber and beansprout sandwich cut into little strips with unsweetened mango iced tea. Five minutes later, you will return, never to see the grumpy man again on your porch.
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God bless,
Danny Mac
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